President's Message - 2007 Exmormon Conference

You might have noticed that our theme for this year’s conference was “Transitions – Unlocking the secrets to a Post-Mormon Life”. Some people may ask – Is the transition out of the church really that tough, and is there really a secret to it? I don’t know if we learned any great secrets at this year’s conference, especially compared to the secrets we had to keep as members of the church, and the secrets we uncovered before we left. However, it is my hope that with the speakers and activities that we had planned for the conference, everyone left with a greater sense of hope in discovering that we’re not alone, and more confidence to move forward in our Post Mormon lives.

For those of us who have been out of the church for a while, myself included, I must tell you that there is a period of transition when you leave the church, and it’s not always easy. Some Mormons say that by leaving the church we have taken the easy way out, but we all know that is simply not the case. As many of us have learned personally or are in the process of learning, leaving the church is very difficult, and it’s definitely not the easy way out. When most people leave the church, they lose a whole community, a culture, a way of life. And very often and tragically, they lose friends, family, and sometimes spouses and children too.

And that’s why this theme of “Transitions” has become so important to me, because the transition is very difficult, and no one should have to go through it alone. In some ways, leaving the church is like leaving home for the first time or going off to college. All of the sudden, you don’t have that parent there telling you how to act, what to eat and drink, what to wear, what to read, and how to think. And just like a college student, having that freedom for the first time is incredibly liberating and exhilarating, but also scary as hell. Sure, we can do anything we want to now – but should we? How do we set limits? How do we know what is right and wrong? How do we set boundaries and new rules for ourselves that will help us live healthy and happy lives outside of a church that told us how to live for so long?

The hard truth is, when someone leaves the church, just like when you leave home for the first time, you have to grow up and you have to think for yourself. The hard part is, sometimes we’re doing this when we’re much older than the average college student. Trust me, growing up at 32 years old, which is how old I was when I left the church, was very scary, just as it must be for someone who leaves the church in their 40’s, 50’s or 60’s. I shudder to think of some of the things I had to learn for the first time after leaving the church, of the boundaries I had no idea how to set, and of the newfound freedom I went absolutely hog wild with. When I first left the church, I had six children 12 and under, and trying to suddenly raise them without the support system and community that the church offers, was very hard for all of us. But I was convinced, and am still convinced, that I can raise good, moral, and intelligent children without the church. We’ve certainly had our challenges, but we have come so far in 10 years and have grown up so much. It hasn’t always been easy, but I would do it all over again if I had to.

I’m one of the lucky ones – I have a great relationship with most of my LDS family members. But that hasn’t always been the case! It’s been a long road, and it has taken us a long time to get to get to a place where we have mutual respect for one another’s beliefs. For so long, I just saw them as a bunch of Mormons, and I wanted so badly to help open their eyes about the church. On the other hand, they saw me as a radical Exmormon, and they just wanted me to come back. Those labels made it very hard for us to appreciate the individuality that we all have. This year was very special for my family though, and I have a new appreciation for them that I never thought I would feel again.

I lost my father in September of 2007, and while his passing was very difficult, it wasn’t unexpected – he had been sick for a very long time. His funeral was in a Stake Center in Oklahoma City last month, and it was my first time to set foot in an LDS church in over 10 years. One of my brothers joked that he was afraid to sit by me because lightning might strike, but all was well! I did have a difficult time seeing my father buried in his temple clothing, but overall, it was a beautiful and moving ceremony. Thankfully, it revolved around my father’s remarkable life instead of the church.

In the months preceding his death, I was able to spend a lot of time with my father, and my entire LDS family. I am so grateful that my father lived long enough for him and my mother to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary in May of this year. When they celebrated their 50th anniversary in 1997, just after I had left the church, my family and I couldn’t tolerate being around one another, so I didn’t attend. Oh my, how far we’ve come! I am so proud that my family and I are able to finally accept one another as we are!

Sometimes it feels like there should be a very special recovery program dedicated to the process of leaving Mormonism. This year, the Exmormon community lost a dear friend, Deanna Stewart to suicide. Deanna was a vibrant and beautiful soul who had attended several of the conferences in the past. Unfortunately, she’s not the only one who has chosen that that final act of desperation to deal with the pain of leaving behind family, friends, and an entire belief system. It happens more often than we realize!

When I first left the church, I too, was so angry and felt so alone, that I considered suicide. I felt desperate and sad, because everything I had once believed in had vanished. Had it not been for the support systems I found through Recovery from Mormonism and the Post-Mormon support group, I might not be here today.

And this has become my primary goal as President of the Exmormon Foundation – to let people know that they’re not alone in their journey out of the church. There are so many people out there just like us - they need to know that there is hope, and there is life beyond Mormonism. They need to know that healing can occur with their families, but that it takes time, patience, and mutual respect. We need to be that shoulder to cry on, and that friend who totally understands the difficulties of moving beyond the culture of Mormonism. There’s so much out there, and so much to live for!

A favorite movie of mine since leaving the church is Shawshank Redemption, and from that movie is one of my favorite quotes - “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

Sandy Crain
President
The Exmormon Foundation