Bill Gardiner

My Views on Mormonism

by William M. Gardiner

I was born and raised in a traditional active Mormon family in northern Utah. I served an LDS Mission and was married in the temple. I was passionate about seeking truth as a missionary. I graduated with a BS in Corrections, and chose to teach LDS seminary rather than pursue a career as a juvenile probation officer. (I later decided the two jobs weren't all that different!)

My love for the scriptures, truth, and teaching was my motivation. However, I soon became a bit disillusioned with teaching seminary, as it seemed to be more a position of glorified (or perhaps not too glorified) entertaining. I was a good entertainer, and so I did quite well. However, my desire for truth and getting the students to think deeper caused me to feel somewhat unsatisfied with my chosen career. This, because my young students seemed to be far less interested in truth, thinking and reality, and more interested in conformity, thoughtlessness, and what I considered an aversion to reality.

I returned to graduate school and earned a masters degree in social work. I began doing clinical social work as well as teaching seminary and institute. My clinical work introduced me to the complexities of the human condition in a far more intimate way than I had previously been exposed. And, my search for truth motivated me to study the origins of Mormonism on a much more objective level than the standard church history regimen. An incongruence between the more complete church history I was studying and the traditional "candy coated" church history I'd known became obvious--and increasingly problematic.

At this point in my life I served as a bishop of a singles ward. Conflicts swirled in my mind as I tried to reconcile doctrinal and historical inconsistencies and problems. My ability to dissociate such conflicts became increasing ineffective. This was compounded as I became more aware of how inept the church was in dealing with the complexities of the human condition. Of more concern was witnessing the burden the church actually heaped on people, rather than helping them. My work with gay Mormons is a prime example. And, I became more able to face the tremendous shame I had actually endured growing up as a Mormon. An acute case of PMS (perfect Mormon syndrome) had been actively influencing my entire life, and was foundational to my lack of positive self-esteem. A combination of these factors led me to the discovery of what I now see as obvious realities: Mormonism is an institutional religion based on some fairly obvious lies. The Book of Mormon is a clever plagiarism. The Mormon temple endowment is a confiscation of Masonic rituals. The founder of Mormonism was a sexual addict and narcissist. Mormonism isn't innocuous. As well as helping people at lower levels of development, it also hampers or impedes the continued growth processes. It actually limits individuals' ability to develop and grow in a healthy way. And in many cases it seriously damages people.

Although the analogy of Mormonism being an elementary school of spirituality isn't really accurate, it is helpful in explaining my position. It isn't accurate because no one in fifth grade is afraid to tell you about high school. In other words, at that level it is readily acknowledged that the learning and growth processes go on. Mormonism is an elementary school of real spirituality. But fear and the need for control keeps the institution from allowing people to grow to higher levels of spirit. However, Mormonism, like all institutional religions, has value. It provides community, structure, and a black and white presentation of morality. This is useful for young children, and helps some out of chaos. But the simple rights and wrongs of this morality system, if not replaced with a more mature and evolved awareness of the complexities, will eventually induce narrow-mindedness, judgementalism, focus on outward measurement of righteousness, and elitism in individuals. Ironically, such a condition actually takes people away from the ability to love others unconditionally. And it impedes the ability of people to think critically, objectively and rationally. This is tremendously damaging to many. Such has always been the propensity of institutional religions. Jesus fought against the institutional religion of his day.

It was not a desire to 'sin' that motivated me to give up Mormonism. My problems with the church did not arise because some church member offended me. I still embrace all that is good and true in Mormonism. I have a passionate belief in a creator. I have no idea what or who the creator is. I feel an incredible connection to others, to nature and to the great all that exists. I consider myself a very spiritual person, and budding mystic. But, I will be vocal about what I see as the areas within Mormonism (and other institutional religions) that damage and limit people. I am still a member of record. I feel no compunction to officially leave the church. My heart has already grown beyond. I still value the relationships I have with Mormons. I am grateful to Mormonism for setting my feet on the path of truth. I am at times angry for the damage it perpetrates against so many, and how it can always hide from any real scrutiny. At times I see the church as a wolf in sheep's clothing. Other times, I am touched by the service and value that exists in the Mormon community, and in the hearts of Mormons. Nothing is black and white.

© 2002 William M. Gardiner